Contract Agreements Need More than a Signature; they Demand Integrity!

"Art Show"  two of my paintings available at http://carol-allen-anfinsen.artistwebsites.com

We’re hearing a lot about respect these days. Do the “cops” respect blacks? Do blacks in general respect police officers? When people disagree with the President, is that showing disrespect? I’ve listened to the arguments on both sides.

I saw the NYPD turn their backs on the mayor who they felt was culpable in the killing of several police officers. I heard the angry mobs shout: “What do we want? Dead cops!” 

Finally, a lone voice spoke up. A voice addressed to both sides. “Respect must be earned,” he said. “Respect comes when both parties feel that their concerns are being addressed.”

Instead, what we got on the public stage was a “shouting match.” Even hard facts were ignored in deference to emotion.

Trust is another one of those words. We all want it. Some of us think we deserve it. But trust is a condition that exists when both sides feel they are being listened to and heard. Trust is not given out like a smile; it should be tested and proven. Like respect, trust must be earned. When both exist, it is because both sides have met half-way to make the relationship work.

"A Joyful Heart"  Pastel on 11x14 bristol; matted and ready to frame.

I did a writing project some years ago for a man who belonged to my church. Because of the so-called “spiritual connection” I gave him my trust and accepted him at his word.

When the project was finished, I turned it over and expected a check in return. Come to find out, he had messed up his end of the negotiation and “connected” with a person who had no authority whatsoever. The person in charge had already commissioned the project from someone else. As a result, the friend who hired me refused to give me payment.

I viewed it as a lack of integrity. After all, I had put in my time and kept my part of the agreement. Turns out he did not have the wherewithal to pay me. All he had was a dream and a slick sales pitch. I regretted it, but I had to take him to Small Claims Court to get paid. By the time I received my commission minus court fees, it was a pittance. In addition, I’d built up an enormous amount of resentment toward him.

When people make promises they know they cannot keep that is a lie. When people lie to us, we can no longer respect them. When respect goes out the window, so does trust.

Here is the formula for success:  Integrity = respect + trust.  In the reverse: Lies = lack of respect, lack of trust, and a broken relationship.

"Fish Market" acrylic on canvas

Trust and respect have nothing to do with color. There are almost as many black cops as there are white ones. Respect is a way of treating others. But here’s the kicker. You cannot give respect to someone who calls you names, abuses you or threatens your life. It is impossible!

Trust is a gift people give you when you treat them well, and you’re upfront and honest with them in your dealings. You cannot trust someone who calls you names, lies to you, threatens you, or harms you in any way. It is impossible! On the other hand, they cannot trust you if you have broken the law and refuse to obey authority. In other words, by your actions, you have not earned their respect.

Do you see how important integrity and honesty is in your dealings with other people? Oh, sure you may get away with a lie here or a punch in the nose there, but sooner or later it’s bound to catch up to you. When you use bullying tactics on others it may turn against you in the end. When you persist, don’t be surprised if someone or something puts a stop to it one way or another. 

Trust and respect is a two-way street. If you refuse to cooperate or listen to what others have to say, it’s like putting up a road block. If you know you’re in the wrong and you refuse to make things right, you’re simply making matters worse.

"Tansy's Pride" pastel on 11x14 bristol; matted and ready to frame.

Agreements cannot be made when there is a lack of trust or respect between the interested parties. If one side is willing to compromise or cooperate and the other one isn’t, you cannot reach a consensus. Only if both parties are willing to put their grievances down can you move forward into reconciliation and resolution. 

When my former employer made known that he was unwilling to keep his end of the bargain, I had no choice but to pursue him legally in order to get paid which is what we had agreed to. Lesson learned: Get things in writing and ask for half the full amount up front as all contractors do. It’s only common sense!

Those Inevitable Signs of Aging: Cellulite, Age Spots, and Wrinkles!

"Emma" a drawing I did for her 93rd birthday

The ugly truth is out! Unless you have a bank account like Jane Fonda or Cher, eventually you’re going to fade, rumple and sag. The time will come when you can’t hide your age behind a Mu Mu or a Caftan. Bye and bye gravity takes its toll.

The idea for this article came to me while I was ironing. It’s a chore I hate and one I do as little of as possible; but, hey, the fashions of spring and summer seem to require a good press in spite of the “no fuss” labels.

If there's any compensation for pressing out those wrinkles, it has to be the upper arm exercise required to push my outdated steel steam iron across my tottering ironing board. They’re both almost as old as I am.

"A Joyful Heart" 9 x 12 pastel drawing

When elephants get wrinkled and leathery it’s quite fashionable. Their tough skinned outer wrapping protects them from assault and predators. Unlike human beings, the oldest elephants in the herd are given respect and power. They’re not ignored or put out to pasture just because their old.

Older people are difficult to draw or paint. Some artists use lines for wrinkles which makes them harsher and more unattractive than they need to be. Shading will produce a more subtle result. By highlighting the highest skin areas on either side of the shading, you get a softer wrinkle.

"Pansy's Pride" 9 x 12 pastel drawing

My husband and I recently had our photograph taken. The photographer asked us if we’d like a “touch up.”

“How much?” I asked him.

“$60,” he quipped; “but it will remove spots, wrinkles, and even the sag under your chin.

Humph, I thought to myself. The proofs looked pretty good to me. 

“I want my children and grandchildren to recognize me,” I said as I added a disgusted “No, thanks!”

Why are we so afraid of aging? Why do we treat our seniors and middle-aged population as if they were no longer worthy? No longer capable of holding a job?  

We should equate aging with wisdom. Knowledge and experience are nothing to sneeze at.

I’m saddened by our youth obsessed culture. The young and the beautiful seem to live from one high to the next either drug induced or through exaggerated self adulation. The newspapers record their escapades and their fall as if none of it really matters, but it does.

We only have one life to live. I for one am trying to make the most of it – wrinkles, sags and all!

(My sweetie and I "warts and all!)

To Coin a Phrase: It's the Children, Stupid!

"First Daffodil" 16x20 acrylic on canvas (now showing at Coconut Point SW FL Co-op Gallery)

Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we lose our imagination. We bump into reality. We scrape our knees on expectations. We feel the slap of human adversity. Oh, that we could capture the awe of discovery as children do.

My three-year-old granddaughter mailed me a picture of a "person." The only recognizable parts were the round ball for the head and a robe for the body. Her mother wrote the caption: "This person is starting to grow feathers and turn into an owl." Sure enough, there were scribbles (feathers) where arms should be, and the eyes were round saucers with dots.

"With these Hands -- Hope" 16x20 oil on acrylic under painting

Children have a lot to teach us about letting go and about suspending belief, if only for a moment. They teach us to ask questions like: what if? Why? and How? Great thinkers and leaders of the past asked those questions, and today we reap the benefits. Spiritual leaders of the past asked similar questions and their answers renewed faith and restored hope in times of suffering.

For a short time, children are pure and undefiled. They are suspended in time, sheltered by a birthing cocoon. As Wordsworth penned, "they come trailing clouds of glory from God who is their home." If more parents recognized this fleeting, fragile period of blessedness, they might be more respectful of the life placed in their care. They might be more gentle, more tolerant, more forgiving of the crying infant flailing about in a new body in a strange new world; an infant "trailing clouds of glory" from its creator.

"Day Dreams" 11x14 oil on canvas

One of my favorite photos of my oldest son and daughter is titled: "The burial of an ant." The children are playing in the sand, and they spy an ant lying on its back. Recognizing the ant is dead, they proceed to cover it with sand. Their sadness over the death of one little ant made me smile. My lessons on respect for life had sunk in. Payoff, I guess, for all those baby birds we rescued, the stray dogs and cats we took in, my refusal to kill a mouse in our house that drove me scrambling up a chair for protection. If there was another way, harming any living thing was the last resort. In our house, we all became experts at trapping stray mice or lizards in a glass jar and depositing them outside.

"India Rising -- The Lost" 18x24 mixed media on canvas

This respect for life seems to be slipping away in our society. More people are using violence or murder as a means to solve problems. If they can't fix a relationship, or if it's inconvenient, they eliminate it. If someone gets in their way, slows them down, or makes life difficult, they wipe them out. Even greed plays a part in our society's lack of respect for the rights of others.

Children bring us back to basics. They force us to examine what's really important in life. Their wonder in discovery, their appreciation of simple things, their willingness to believe, simply because we tell them so is a remarkable testament of their faith and trust.

"Mother and Child" brush drawing in oil on panel; monochrome